fraudulent

Have you ever felt like a fraud?  I have, and do.

Have you ever heard the statement; “weight loss is not a physical challenge, it’s a mental one”?  This statement could not be truer for my journey.

I wasn’t always fat.
I know what I should and shouldn’t eat and I am capable of exercise.

Making myself do it has been a completely different story though.  As I explained in my previous post, I have had a gym membership at the same place since it OPENED, and I never went consistently.  I would go a couple times one week, feel good for a couple days, lose motivation and then not go again for another month.  Not only would I either not go to the gym or simply just go to tan, I lied about it.  I could flat. out. lie to people saying things like, “oh, I just got done working out” (um NO, you didn’t Emily), or “I am headed to the gym right now” (I was really driving to Target with a quick pass through McDonald’s on the way)  Think there might be a problem, I knew so, but didn’t change it.

My first post explained my breaking point.  I was completely at rock bottom, unhappy and overweight.  I joined Weight Watchers and followed that strictly, along with working out quite often.  I dove into the new life with all that I had.  The weight came off surprisingly fast in the beginning (when I needed it to, to keep me motivated).  Before I knew it, it was a couple months in and I had lost almost 30lbs.  On the outside, I was feeling good, but on the inside, I felt like a fraud.

Those that know me well, know I am type A through and through, and when I set my mind to something, I push for it.  My family was (and sometimes still is) shocked that I have been able to stick to my goals, that I have not fallen off the wagon since November, because weight loss has NEVER been something I could stick to.  But, that all was before rock bottom.

Following Weight Watchers Points Plus was fairly easy for me, because I had a plan and when I have a plan, I follow it.  I enjoy cooking and being in the kitchen so it was fun to try new, healthy recipes.  But, in typical type A fashion, I took everything to the extreme.  I refused lunch out with friends because I couldn’t possibly count the points if I didn’t prepare it myself, I turned down date nights with my boyfriend because I was terrified to make a bad decision and I struggled with justifying the amount of points for a simple glass of wine.

I went from not caring about anything that went in my mouth, to stressing about the simplest/healthiest food choices.  Food had taken on a whole new extreme for me, one that also wasn’t healthy.

Although I was seeing very good results on the scale, my battle with food wasn’t (and isn’t) over.  I often ask(ed) myself,

where is the medium ground?
what does life on the other side of this addiction look like?”
“can I keep up this intensity forever”
“what happens when I decide to eat an ice cream cone, will I fall off the wagon?”
As you can imagine, after losing 30+lbs, people start noticing the change.  It feels good.  I felt confident sharing my “before” pictures on my Facebook and they were always accompanied by a positive and uplifting post about how well I was feeling and how far I had come already.  Posting about it kept me accountable, it made me feel proud and happy.  Why is it that I couldn’t/can’t make my brain as happy as my new healthy body is?  Or at least as happy as I “pretended” to be?  I. am. a. fraud.

I have led all of you to believe that because I sit here, 5 months into my journey and almost 40lbs down now, that I am changed.  Even typing the word, changed, makes me laugh on the inside.  Yes, I am healthier, I am happier, and I can wear smaller clothes now…my brain hasn’t caught up to my body and is still living 40lbs ago.

This journey is most definitely a mental one for me.  I can eat as many veggies as I want and work out everyday, that’s not my problem.  My problem is mentally dealing with WHYI got here in the first place and I feel as though I have misled you all into thinking that I have it all figured out.  This journey is d.a.i.l.y. and probably will be forever.  But, everyday that I make the decision to better myself, for myself; I win, not my addiction.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s