Have you ever felt like a fraud? I have, and do.
Have you ever heard the statement; “weight loss is not a physical challenge, it’s a mental one”? This statement could not be truer for my journey.
Making myself do it has been a completely different story though. As I explained in my previous post, I have had a gym membership at the same place since it OPENED, and I never went consistently. I would go a couple times one week, feel good for a couple days, lose motivation and then not go again for another month. Not only would I either not go to the gym or simply just go to tan, I lied about it. I could flat. out. lie to people saying things like, “oh, I just got done working out” (um NO, you didn’t Emily), or “I am headed to the gym right now” (I was really driving to Target with a quick pass through McDonald’s on the way) Think there might be a problem, I knew so, but didn’t change it.
My first post explained my breaking point. I was completely at rock bottom, unhappy and overweight. I joined Weight Watchers and followed that strictly, along with working out quite often. I dove into the new life with all that I had. The weight came off surprisingly fast in the beginning (when I needed it to, to keep me motivated). Before I knew it, it was a couple months in and I had lost almost 30lbs. On the outside, I was feeling good, but on the inside, I felt like a fraud.
Those that know me well, know I am type A through and through, and when I set my mind to something, I push for it. My family was (and sometimes still is) shocked that I have been able to stick to my goals, that I have not fallen off the wagon since November, because weight loss has NEVER been something I could stick to. But, that all was before rock bottom.
Following Weight Watchers Points Plus was fairly easy for me, because I had a plan and when I have a plan, I follow it. I enjoy cooking and being in the kitchen so it was fun to try new, healthy recipes. But, in typical type A fashion, I took everything to the extreme. I refused lunch out with friends because I couldn’t possibly count the points if I didn’t prepare it myself, I turned down date nights with my boyfriend because I was terrified to make a bad decision and I struggled with justifying the amount of points for a simple glass of wine.
I went from not caring about anything that went in my mouth, to stressing about the simplest/healthiest food choices. Food had taken on a whole new extreme for me, one that also wasn’t healthy.
Although I was seeing very good results on the scale, my battle with food wasn’t (and isn’t) over. I often ask(ed) myself,
I have led all of you to believe that because I sit here, 5 months into my journey and almost 40lbs down now, that I am changed. Even typing the word, changed, makes me laugh on the inside. Yes, I am healthier, I am happier, and I can wear smaller clothes now…my brain hasn’t caught up to my body and is still living 40lbs ago.
This journey is most definitely a mental one for me. I can eat as many veggies as I want and work out everyday, that’s not my problem. My problem is mentally dealing with WHYI got here in the first place and I feel as though I have misled you all into thinking that I have it all figured out. This journey is d.a.i.l.y. and probably will be forever. But, everyday that I make the decision to better myself, for myself; I win, not my addiction.