Have you ever told yourself that you would accomplish something by a certain date…then that date comes and goes….and the accomplishment didn’t happen?
That has been me WAY TOO MANY times. My expectations were never unrealistic or unattainable, I just lacked the motivation to make the change. Flash back to January 2014 and my New Years Resolution of being a “healthier and happier Emily” by the time that I turned 30 in September. The funny thing about change is that you HAVE TO DO IT, and I didn’t, I wasn’t healthier or happier when my birthday came and went in September. In fact, I had gained more weight. I put on a happy face, smiled for pictures and celebrated with friends; but I was empty on the inside.
My relationship with food is very much a love / hate one. I love food and I hate to say no. It took my a long time to admit to myself that I am addicted to food. Not only am I addicted to food, but I have self diagnosed myself with a “binge eating disorder.” *I have not been diagnosed by a doctor, but, based on the research and reading I have done, it definitely fits into my struggle.*
Here is a glimpse into what would happen when I was alone
potato chips, candy, peanut butter & jelly, ice cream
more ice cream
more potato chips
more peanut butter & jelly
all consumed within 5-10 minutes. by me, and only me.
I would think…”where can I hide the containers and wrappers in case someone comes over”
I stop for fast food, park in the parking lot and eat alone so I can throw away the bag so no one will know.
I would feel content, uncomfortable, happy, fat, embarrassed, ugly…all at the same time.
This struggle is REAL, and this was me all. the time. I ate my feelings, if I was happy, I would eat to celebrate, if I was sad, I would eat to mask the pain.
I would wake up in the morning thinking about breakfast, while I was eating breakfast I would be thinking about lunch, while eating lunch, I would be planning dinner.
Food was (and is) on my mind constantly.
**pause to catch my breath that I just admitted this**
Food wasn’t my only struggle, I lacked motivation to make a change. I lacked the desire to actually go to the gym that I paid for every month. Don’t get me wrong, I occasionally went to the gym…to tan, but I would tell myself that I just didn’t have time to stay and workout, or I would “forget” my workout shoes. The only person I was fooling was myself.
My weight was out of control. The clothes in the back of my closet and the photos in my apartment seemed like a distant memory of what I once was. My reality was plus size clothes shopping and facebook photo untagging. I would often ask myself, “when is enough, enough.” but those thoughts would be gone as soon as discussion of food would be brought up.
My breaking point was just before Thanksgiving of this last year (2014). I honestly cannot recall any specific event or reason, but I was broken and needed help. I decided to seek help from my loved ones, as well as joining Weight Watchers. Whatever program that I did to help lose weight and get on track needed to be something that I could fit into a long term lifestyle. I needed to know that if I had a day that I needed to cheat, I could, without feeling the intense guilt that I normally associated with food.
I walked in to Weight Watchers on November 19th; filled out my paperwork, and got on the scale, it read 227.2lbs *insert tears* I had NO IDEA that I had gotten that far out of control.
Even though I was feeling every negative/sad emotion that you could think of, I also felt this slight hint of relief. I had taken the first step. I started a journey in the positive direction. I was ready for a different reality.