demons

they say it takes 21 days to create a habit.  I politely disagree.

it has taken me months to create some semblance of a habit, but what scares me the most? it only takes hours/days for me to give those months of work away or at least that is what my head has been trying to convince me to believe.

I promised transparency throughout this journey. Here it is.

I haven’t been hitting my workouts nearly as hard the last couple weeks.  I haven’t been strict with my food choices.  I haven’t been weighing in at Weight Watchers.  I rebelled from my routine.  I was exhausted, wanted “treat” foods, and good Lordy, I wanted a glass of wine.

I have said several times that this journey needs to be something that can be conducive to a lifestyle or I wouldn’t stick with it, but, if I am being honest, I have been all in or all out. If I am on my game, I am making consistent good choices and working out everyday.  If I am off my game, I am indulging in red meat burgers, ice cream treats and justifying skipping workouts.  There hasn’t really been a “happy medium”.

I made a very conscious decision (of which I thought was a good one) to take a couple weeks away from Weight Watchers because I needed to appreciate the changes in my body vs. the number on the scale.  I had been beating myself up every Wednesday morning at Weight Watchers if the number wasn’t what my head deemed “good enough.”  Even though the changes in my body are obvious, if the scale didn’t match, I didn’t feel like I was enough.

I would then start skipping meals.

Push my body to work out more than one time a day.

Obsess about every calorie.

A pattern started that was just as bad, if not worse than the pattern of not caring about ANYTHING I put in my face.

I go back to the statement that I am “all in or all out.”  No WW meant that I had no accountability, therefore, no scale to monitor my progress and no reason to not cheat.

*Don’t let me lead you to believe that I ‘fell off of the wagon‘ or anything.  I cheated; I had some wine, red meat, ice cream with friends, and even some sweet potato fries, but, my view of the end goal was NEVER out of my sights.*

I had deprived myself of just about everything I had normally ate for so long,

I caved.

I indulged.

I cheated.

I had preached as much as possible about “lifestyle” but, I didn’t live it.  I was so strict with myself that when I stepped away from WW, I fell back into a couple of my old, bad, choices.

Cue the pitty party and mental battle I had with myself this past weekend.

I beat myself up and am not joking when I say, my head actually convinced my body that those “cheats” had ruined my E.N.T.I.R.E journey thus far.  I know that it isn’t true, but it was the first time I got scared how easy it was for me to cheat, how easy it was for me to get out of my workout routine and it. scares. me.

I have obviously not conquered the demons in my head, yet.

I looked at simple indulgences (that in the grand scheme of life, are normal) as though I was reverting back to my old lifestyle, when that couldn’t have been farther from the truth.  I indulged, but my goal was never out of my mind.  Yes, it was easy to eat and drink, but, I knew when to stop.

The demon I have is really my head.  My head convinces my body that I haven’t overcome my food addiction and that I am still an extremely overweight and unhealthy girl.

Yesterday, I got back on my plan and have my goals in the forefront of my mind, but now, I know I need to find some balance.  I need to allow myself some indulgences.  I need to not feel guilty and crappy about myself when I do.

This journey is so much more mental than physical and I am tackling the demons as they come.

IMG_6309

I needed to take a new photo yesterday to prove the demons in my head wrong.  I think I sufficiently shut the demon up and even surprised myself with the change in the last month, because I allowed myself to believe my old demons.

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