bathing suit shopping

bathing suits.  ugh.

my opinion about them is the same as it was when I was 40lbs heavier: they. stress. me. out.

Let me rewind a bit.  As I have said before, I wasn’t always 227lbs.  There were times several years ago that I could wear a two-piece bathing suit and I felt very confident/comfortable doing so.  But, as the weight started increasing, I grew more and more terrified at the mere idea of going somewhere that included having to wear one.

I avoided going to the pool with friends

Made excuses that I “forgot” to bring my bathing suit

Tried to cover up as quick as possible after exiting the pool/lake if for some reason I actually swan

I am my own worst critic, my biggest judge and worst enemy.  I convinced myself that everyone at the pool/lake is staring right at me, analyzing, and making fun of me.

“Look at that girl with the cottage cheese thighs..”

“Whoa, she’s the biggest one here”

“Is that a ‘grandma’ one piece bathing suit?”

I would stand in my bathroom wearing my bathing suit and critique myself.  All the things I hated.  Wanted to change. Analyze every imperfection.  Count the stretch marks.

I know what I was doing to myself and how I was making myself feel, wasn’t healthy.   But, just about everything in my life wasn’t healthy…my relationship with food, my attitude, my self-esteem, my self worth, my weight, ect.

Fast forward to present time.  I am 40lbs lighter and my fear of bathing suits is still in the front of my mind.  I recently had to take my “Michigan Winter White” skin and ever changing body shopping to find a new bathing suit for an upcoming trip to Florida.

I was able to shop in the normal section of the store, no more plus size section, and I didn’t even have to get the biggest size on the rack.  I should have viewed those things as “non-scalevictories, because it was one of my goals to not immediately have to reach to the back/bottom of a rack to find the biggest size to buy.

Instead, I stood in front of the mirror, in a size large for the first time in years, and I the body I saw looking back at me was as though nothing had changed.  I still saw the size 18, plus size girl in the mirror.  I began critiquing my smaller and ever changing body harshly.  I internally put myself down and made myself feel like I still wasn’t small enough, or had made enough change to feel comfortable wearing a bathing suit.

you still have cottage cheese thighs…your thighs still rub together….your arms are flabby….

I had checked one of the items off of my “lose list” but yet, I immediately lost sight of the end goal because I allowed my head to derail the victory.  I still may be changing and yes, I still have a ways to go, but what I did that day in the Target dressing room, needs. to. stop.  I need to see myself for who I am, not constantly critique or put myself down.  The weight didn’t come on my body overnight, and it will not come off overnight.  I have to learn to celebrate all victories.

I will be in a bathing suit for 4 days in Florida next week and I. am. not. terrified.

That my friends is not a small victory, it is a monumental one.

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3 thoughts on “bathing suit shopping

  1. congratulations! I am the same way. I have 30 pounds to lose and I only wear a bathing suit at home in my backyard. I constantly to myself I’m fat and I have to stop the negative talk. Have fun in Florida and enjoy that new suit!

    Like

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