bathing suits. ugh.
my opinion about them is the same as it was when I was 40lbs heavier: they. stress. me. out.
Let me rewind a bit. As I have said before, I wasn’t always 227lbs. There were times several years ago that I could wear a two-piece bathing suit and I felt very confident/comfortable doing so. But, as the weight started increasing, I grew more and more terrified at the mere idea of going somewhere that included having to wear one.
I avoided going to the pool with friends
Made excuses that I “forgot” to bring my bathing suit
Tried to cover up as quick as possible after exiting the pool/lake if for some reason I actually swan
I am my own worst critic, my biggest judge and worst enemy. I convinced myself that everyone at the pool/lake is staring right at me, analyzing, and making fun of me.
“Look at that girl with the cottage cheese thighs..”
“Whoa, she’s the biggest one here”
“Is that a ‘grandma’ one piece bathing suit?”
I would stand in my bathroom wearing my bathing suit and critique myself. All the things I hated. Wanted to change. Analyze every imperfection. Count the stretch marks.
I know what I was doing to myself and how I was making myself feel, wasn’t healthy. But, just about everything in my life wasn’t healthy…my relationship with food, my attitude, my self-esteem, my self worth, my weight, ect.
Fast forward to present time. I am 40lbs lighter and my fear of bathing suits is still in the front of my mind. I recently had to take my “Michigan Winter White” skin and ever changing body shopping to find a new bathing suit for an upcoming trip to Florida.
I was able to shop in the normal section of the store, no more plus size section, and I didn’t even have to get the biggest size on the rack. I should have viewed those things as “non-scale” victories, because it was one of my goals to not immediately have to reach to the back/bottom of a rack to find the biggest size to buy.
Instead, I stood in front of the mirror, in a size large for the first time in years, and I the body I saw looking back at me was as though nothing had changed. I still saw the size 18, plus size girl in the mirror. I began critiquing my smaller and ever changing body harshly. I internally put myself down and made myself feel like I still wasn’t small enough, or had made enough change to feel comfortable wearing a bathing suit.
you still have cottage cheese thighs…your thighs still rub together….your arms are flabby….
I had checked one of the items off of my “lose list” but yet, I immediately lost sight of the end goal because I allowed my head to derail the victory. I still may be changing and yes, I still have a ways to go, but what I did that day in the Target dressing room, needs. to. stop. I need to see myself for who I am, not constantly critique or put myself down. The weight didn’t come on my body overnight, and it will not come off overnight. I have to learn to celebrate all victories.
I will be in a bathing suit for 4 days in Florida next week and I. am. not. terrified.
That my friends is not a small victory, it is a monumental one.