web of lies

how many of you have ever told a lie?

can there be lies that are worse than others?  are the lies that we tell ourselves worse than the ones that we tell others?

i simply cannot count the amount of lies that i have told myself over the years:

 1. you’re not pretty enough

2. you’re fat

3. you’re not smart enough

4. you’re smaller than that other girl, so you don’t have a weight problem

5. i can hide my food addiction so it isn’t really a problem

6. i can lose weight quickly, whenever i want to

7. ect. ect. ect. ect….you get the point.

are those lies worse than the ones that i repeatedly told others? things like…

  1. i ate this healthy thing and that healthy thing today.  (when i really ate something horrible)
  2. i worked out today! (um, no, you didn’t)
  3. i slept wonderful last night! (besides that 30 minutes you spent eating in the middle of the night, right?)
  4. i am feeling great! (no, actually i am feeling bloated from that fast food that i just ate…that you clearly don’t know about)

i was extremely successful last year at losing weight, i had absolutely no reason to lie about what i was eating or doing because i was doing everything i could do to better myself.  when i took my hyper-focus off of losing weight, the weight came back, and it came back quick.  i was embarrassed, frustrated, mad, angry, defeated.  that’s when the lies started coming back.

first it was lies to others because i couldn’t have them knowing that i fell off the wagon, then it turned into lies to myself.  i let the devil creep into my life and i let him sign a year long lease.

i was a prisoner to the devil and the negativity i allowed him to feed me.  i became someone that wasn’t me, i don’t even know who that person was, well, i do, it was the devil disguised as a person named Emily.

my relationships suffered, my body quickly went back to an un-healthy state and i became a shell of what i once was….all of this while my relationship with the devil was flourishing and thriving.

the devil will keep renewing his lease in our lives until we evict him.  there is no easy fix, no “3 simple steps to kick the devil to the curb” book.  it takes work, and i am in the thick of it right now.

i came to the conclusion that my addiction to food couldn’t start with just simply changing my diet or going for a walk after work.  i needed help, professional help to have a better chance of overcoming this once and for all.  i sought the help of a professional Christian counselor that specializes in addictions of all kinds.

i have to figure out the “head game” part of this addiction.  last year i changed the way my body looked and felt, and i was successful, but i never tackled what was going on in my head.

i don’t claim to have the answers:

but, i KNOW that God is good and He is good all the time.  He is helping me break the lease that i signed with the devil.  He is helping me repair the damage that i allowed the devil to do in my life so that He can move in and sign a permanent lease.

addiction is hard and is generally out of our feeble ability to overcome, but God is always standing next to us willing to help, we just have to ask.

 

 

 

 

 

off the wagon

Folks, it’s been a little bit since I blogged.

Iv’e been busy, but that’s not the only reason.  I haven’t blogged because…I fell. off. the. wagon.

On June 20th of this year; my best friend, love, and soulmate got down on one knee and asked me to spend the rest of my life with him.  It was quite simply, a fantastic day.

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The only problem, what follows happy events?

Celebrations with alcohol and food.  A food addicts worst nightmare.

That weekend I told myself things like, “I deserve this celebratory time”, “It’s just one weekend”, and “I’ll get back to my routine on Monday“.  Well, as you can assume, once I tasted pizza, wine, french fries and ice cream…I couldn’t stop.

I spent the first several months of my weight loss journey doing a diet and exercise method of weight loss, but leading up to June 20th, I had been doing an extremely strict diet to get over a plateau that I had reached.  The diet was so strict that my working out was limited due to the reduced calorie and carbohydrate intake.  I felt like my body was out of whack, it was a weird feeling because I had spent months working out almost every day and then I changed it up completely and almost took working out, out of the equation.

Honestly, I feel like changing up my routine that had worked for the first 40+lbs of weight loss was the worst decision that I made.  I was so focused on hitting a weight loss goal that I wanted to do anything to get there as fast as possible.  But, in the end, getting out of my work out routine was the first mistake, because when I faltered on my diet, I didn’t have a workout to fall back on to counteract the food intake.

The past 3 months have been filled with no routine, hardly any workouts, and tons of bad food.  Iv’e gained weight back, more than I really care to know.  I can give excuses all day long for what, why and how….but…..in the end, everything was my decision and my choices.  my bad choices.

My self image that I had 3 months ago, is gone.  My goals that I set almost a year ago will not be reached.  My “skinny” clothes don’t fit like they used to, if they even fit at all.

BUT

Life.  Goes.  On.

I need to pick myself up, get back on the wagon and continue.

Food addiction is no joke my friends.  I thought I had a grasp on the temptations, pitfalls and secretive aspect of it; but, I let my guard down and discovered the hard way that I will probably always suffer from this, and I obviously haven’t overcome as much as I thought I did.  If I have learned one thing through this, it is, admitting that you have a problem is the first step.  As hard as it it to share this with all of you (and those that are close to me, this isn’t a shock, I am sure, whether or not you have said anything, you know I have been struggling and been gaining weight).  But, sharing and being honest makes the addiction not have control, I have control and I am taking it back.

I appreciate the support, patience and prayers.

Today, I am back on the wagon.

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(today – 9/17/2015)

gimmick

**This post is not meant to offend anyone that represents any of the products mentioned below, this is just my personal opinion**

In the days of social media, I am sure that we have all been inundated with advertisements for products that promise to “get skinny quick” or “take this pill and drink this shake and you will look like this”… those products offend and make me angry.

I would be lying if I said that I hadn’t been intrigued by some of them prior to starting my weight loss journey.  The thought of taking a pill or wrapping myself in plastic wrap to get skinny quick instead of putting in the work with my diet and exercise is appealing.  How could it not be appealing?  What I am doing is hard and it isn’t all rainbows and unicorns, sometimes I just want the “get skinny quick” magic pill because I am tired of watching every calorie that I put in my mouth and making sure that I am staying active enough.

But, the elephant in the room is….do these products really work? or are they just ploys by companies to capitalize on our obese nation and the push to get healthier? It seems like weekly, there is another new product that promises the impossible.

Okay, okay, okay…promising the impossible might be an exaggeration, I should have said, promises the impossible WITHOUT changing your diet and exercise.  If you have to change your diet and activity to get the products to work, then what’s the point? You can lose weight WITHOUT a “magic” option…so wouldn’t that make the “magic” option void?

Ding, Ding, Ding….

A lot of these products don’t mention anything about having to change your diet and the need to exercise until they DON’T work, then it becomes the number one excuse….”Well, the products do work best when combined with a change in diet and exercise…” DUH! You mean wrapping my body in saran wrap isn’t going to make me look like all the “before and after” pictures I see all over the internet??? Common sense would say, no.  Those people wrapped their body in saran wrap, AND, changed their diet drastically, as well as worked out.

Another product that that I simply do not understand is one that claims to make you “happy all the time!” Enticing, right? I want to be “happy all the time!”  But, you have to take a pill, drink a shake and put a patch on to get the results, and if you do not do them all in the EXACT order the company says at EXACTLY the right times, it may not work.  Convenient excuse for the company when their claims don’t pan out, put it back on the customer, they simply didn’t do the process right, sorry! Another thing that concerns me is that it is no wonder the product makes you “happy all the time!,” it has 6 different kinds of stimulants in it.  They say that up to 400mg of caffeine a day appears to be safe for most adults.  Since the ingredients are listed as proprietary, the manufacturer does not have to list the amount (mg) used, so it is therefore unknown how much caffeine/stimulants each product contains.  What no one has addressed, and I have asked several promoters of this product, is how does the body handle the inevitable “crash” when the product isn’t being taken anymore?  With that many stimulants, it seems like a crash and a feeling of “not happy all the time!” is looming.

Well, I have a way that you can save lots of $$$$ and get the same results!  Wait for it…..it’s called HARD WORK.  Whoa, there is a concept that isn’t easily accepted in this society.  I have lost over 50 pounds and in turn have a higher self esteem by good old fashioned working out and changing my eating habits.  Yes, I have used different methods of those things along the way (examples:  Weight Watchers and 21 Day Fix), but I would consider neither of those “gimmicks” because they still involve YOU making the ultimate change, there are no impossible promises.

Dieting and losing weight is no joke.  The weight didn’t come on the body overnight and it will not come off overnight either.  There are no two ways or gimmicks around that, it is simply a fact.  I have worked very hard over the last 6 months to get closer to my end goal and frankly I am offended by the messages that I get that say,

“Emily, you look fantastic! I have this amazing product that will help stimulate your activity level and will make your weight loss easier! contact me for details!”

“WOW, girl, you must be feeling amazing! I am just wondering if you might be interested in this wrap that will tighten your extra skin from your weight loss”

I am not interested in those products, I am interested in working hard and achieving my goals.  I put this weight on my body and it seems as though it is fitting that I have to work hard to take it off, so I KNOW the reality of my old habits.  Quick fixes fix nothing and the odds are that you will need to try another one in a couple months because you are right back where you started, just several hundred $$$ poorer.

I am proud of this “gimmick” free weight loss!

MY hard work is paying off!

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inspiration

“I’m both inspired and curious about your recent journey. I read the beginning of your blog and instantly felt like someone “gets” me. With my recent past hardship and my life flipping upside down…food has been my comfort.”

“When I’m happy, sad, bored, or whatever….I eat. I’ve gained 20 overall and can’t look in the mirror.”

“Your blog just breaks my heart. I can so relate.”

“I have been inspired by you and have lost 19 pounds.”

“I feel like you are writing to me when I read your blog”

You all think that I inspire you with my journey, but really, you inspire me.

The quotes I shared above are just a couple that I have received throughout the last couple months.

When I first started this journey, it was about ME, about me losing weight, me getting healthier, and me being happier.  At some point along the way, it no longer was just about me, it became about inspiring others.

If I had negative feelings about myself, felt defeated, couldn’t look in the mirror, hated photos being taken, ate my feelings away and just needed a change, I surely wasn’t alone.  I decided to share my story, to share my struggles and I hoped that I could inspire just one person who felt like me.

Mission: Accomplished, but something else happened along the way: you inspired me to keep going, to push harder, to not cheat when I am weak and to love myself through it all.

I met with my new Health and Wellness coach last night and after some initial calculations, I discovered that even after losing 40 lbs, my body is functioning as a 60 year old (based on BMI, body fat %, visceral fat, ect).  The Emily of several months ago, would have been defeated, thought that I was beyond help, and turned to food.  The Emily of NOW was inspired to keep changing, bettering myself, and living life to the fullest.

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One of the biggest goals I was working towards was feeling more confident in a bathing suit.  I was recently on a trip to Florida to celebrate my future Sister-In-Law’s bachelorette party and I knew I would need to wear one, but I didn’t just want to wear one, I wanted to own it, no matter how much more weight I have to lose, I wanted to own myself. right now.  I worked hard for it, why not celebrate it? So, I did, I proudly celebrated my size 14 bathing suit and the hard work that I put in for it, because, I earned it.

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I may not be to the “finish line”, but I am a heck of a lot closer than I was, and YOU, whether you know it or not, are helping my progress towards it.

but my booty jiggles

As you can imagine, at 227lbs, there were parts (or all) of my body that jiggled, bounced, shook, ect when I worked out.

It made me very self-conscious and honestly, made me not want to workout.  I had convinced myself that everyone. was. looking. at. me.

I tried to incorporate working out into my weight loss plan from the beginning of my journey because I knew that it would help me lose the weight faster, and make me stronger.  Physically, I could handle the workouts, but mentally, it was tough.

I had a membership at our local Planet Fitness.  The gym with no gymtimidation, no lunks, no judgement….except from myself.  I only used equipment that I knew how to use and very rarely branched out of anything by cardio exercise.

Here is a typical conversations that I would have with myself on the treadmill / elliptical / arc / ect:

damnit, my shirt is sliding up from covering my butt”

“ugh, my boobs are bouncing

“my butt hurts because it is jiggling up and down so much”

“that fit girl over there keeps looking at me”

“I could never do that because I am too fat

“These 2 sports bras that I am wearing so my boobs stay put are not allowing me to breathe

If you have been reading my other blog posts, you will know by now that the negative thoughts in my head have deterred and hindered me from being positive about my progress.  The negative thoughts in my head discouraged me from going to the gym because I honestly thought that everyone was making fun of me in their heads.

“Oh, look at the fat girl

“She has a really red face, is she going to pass out?”

“Her butt is huge

“Her boobs need to be tied down

When I stopped going to the gym, I told myself that I would workout outside, but then I let myself believe that everyone driving down the road, passing me, was making fun of me too.  Then, I told myself that I would workout to DVD’s in my apartment, but, once again, the negative thoughts came back.  This time I thought that the young guy that lives downstairs would think that there was an elephant upstairs or that he would be scared I would come through the ceiling.  NO. JOKE.  I was horrible to myself.

I knew that I needed to workout, but, excuses were easier than actually doing the work.  The negative thoughts that I had been hiding behind, were just that, excuses.

I discovered that Old Navy has some compression workout pants that really suck the fat in and they didn’t allow my booty to jiggle so much.  I found some sports bras that allowed me to breathe, but still held the girls in place.

I. had. no. more. excuses.

When I let the excuses go, I also let the hold that the negative thoughts had over me, go.  Once I stopped telling myself lies and letting myself believe that everyone was making fun of me, the weight left too.

I started going back to the gym and simply not caring what others were thinking, because, I was there and I was doing it.

Everyone needs to start somewhere.

IMG_5836[this photo was taken a couple months ago, back to back 5k’s on the treadmill! practice makes progress]