but my booty jiggles

As you can imagine, at 227lbs, there were parts (or all) of my body that jiggled, bounced, shook, ect when I worked out.

It made me very self-conscious and honestly, made me not want to workout.  I had convinced myself that everyone. was. looking. at. me.

I tried to incorporate working out into my weight loss plan from the beginning of my journey because I knew that it would help me lose the weight faster, and make me stronger.  Physically, I could handle the workouts, but mentally, it was tough.

I had a membership at our local Planet Fitness.  The gym with no gymtimidation, no lunks, no judgement….except from myself.  I only used equipment that I knew how to use and very rarely branched out of anything by cardio exercise.

Here is a typical conversations that I would have with myself on the treadmill / elliptical / arc / ect:

“damnit, my shirt is sliding up from covering my butt”

“ugh, my boobs are bouncing“

“my butt hurts because it is jiggling up and down so much”

“that fit girl over there keeps looking at me”

“I could never do that because I am too fat“

“These 2 sports bras that I am wearing so my boobs stay put are not allowing me to breathe“

If you have been reading my other blog posts, you will know by now that the negative thoughts in my head have deterred and hindered me from being positive about my progress.  The negative thoughts in my head discouraged me from going to the gym because I honestly thought that everyone was making fun of me in their heads.

“Oh, look at the fat girl“

“She has a really red face, is she going to pass out?”

“Her butt is huge“

“Her boobs need to be tied down“

When I stopped going to the gym, I told myself that I would workout outside, but then I let myself believe that everyone driving down the road, passing me, was making fun of me too.  Then, I told myself that I would workout to DVD’s in my apartment, but, once again, the negative thoughts came back.  This time I thought that the young guy that lives downstairs would think that there was an elephant upstairs or that he would be scared I would come through the ceiling.  NO. JOKE.  I was horrible to myself.

I knew that I needed to workout, but, excuses were easier than actually doing the work.  The negative thoughts that I had been hiding behind, were just that, excuses.

I discovered that Old Navy has some compression workout pants that really suck the fat in and they didn’t allow my booty to jiggle so much.  I found some sports bras that allowed me to breathe, but still held the girls in place.

I. had. no. more. excuses.

When I let the excuses go, I also let the hold that the negative thoughts had over me, go.  Once I stopped telling myself lies and letting myself believe that everyone was making fun of me, the weight left too.

I started going back to the gym and simply not caring what others were thinking, because, I was there and I was doing it.

Everyone needs to start somewhere.

[this photo was taken a couple months ago, back to back 5k’s on the treadmill! practice makes progress]

q & a (part 1)

why did you decide that this was the time?

have you stuck with it?

what has worked best? least?

do you feel different inside? outside?

have you had slipups?

are you scared for what happens when you are done actively losing weight?

are you as happy as you look?

transparency is something I have promised during this journey, so I am going to do my best to answer some of the questions that have been voiced over the last couple months.

how did I decide that THIS was the time?

Quite simply, I was tired; physically, mentally and emotionally.  I was embarrassed.

I was brushing my teeth in the dark in the morning because I couldn’t stand to look at myself in the mirror.  I did all of my laundry on my own because I didn’t want my family or boyfriend to see the size tag in my clothes.  I never took the hangers in clothing stores when they offered because I didn’t want to look at them in my closet, or God forbid anyone else see them either.

It was exhausting being so secretive in my struggles.  I was eating in private, lying about it and consuming way. too. much.

At the time the photo on the left was taken, I was completely aware of my size, I knew I was overweight, but that day, I thought I looked cute.  I thought I managed to “hide” my size with what I thought was an “over-sized” tee-shirt and a cute cardigan.  But, there was no escaping reality when I looked at my phone and gave my standard, “we all look good” response.  Something needed to change.

 

The photos above were taken 1. the day before I drove to Weight Watchers and signed up, and 2. this past weekend at a fundraiser that I attended.

have you stuck with it?

I think the obvious answer is, yes.  I have shaken up the method a couple times, but overall, yes, I have and am sticking with it.

what has worked best? worst?

Honestly, everything I have done has worked, for a certain amount of time.  I have shaken the method of weight loss up a couple times to hurdle various plateaus.  I have viewed this journey like this:

Weight Watchers:  That is what I am calling the “high school” of my journey.  It was convenient and made the transition from my old lifestyle to a new one relatively easy.  Going to the meetings was like homework to me.

21 Day Fix:  This part of the journey is what I am calling “college.”  This was harder than Weight Watchers and more intense.  It was a bigger commitment both financially and in the daily execution.  I had to meal plan and prep, workout daily and use self control to cut quite a few foods out of my diet that Weight Watchers allowed.

Health/Wellness/Fitness Coach:  This is the most recent development in my journey.  I have hired a health & wellness coach to help me through the last few months of my journey.  I am trying to set myself up for the best success AFTER I am done actively losing weight.  My biggest fear is to go through all of this and then go right back to where I was.

do you feel different inside? outside?

Yes.  I feel exponentially better on the outside.  My blood pressure is back in “normal” range, I have dropped several pants/dress sizes, and I no longer have a double chin in almost every photo.  The outside transformation in obvious.

As far as how I feel on the inside, that is a bit more loaded response.  Overall, yes, I feel better on the inside, but, it is a daily struggle.  Some days, I feel great about myself, and others, I feel like nothing has changed.  I emotionally beat myself up for so long that sometimes I just don’t think I really know what it feels like to be happy anymore.  I still occasionally let myself believe the lies like; you are still fat, not good enough and that I don’t deserve to be completely happy. I know those lies are not true and I know that I AM good enough.  The faces below tell the true story, a story that involves a sad girl that was masking the un-happiness with food and another girl that is well on her way to a “happier & healthier” self.