inspiration

“I’m both inspired and curious about your recent journey. I read the beginning of your blog and instantly felt like someone “gets” me. With my recent past hardship and my life flipping upside down…food has been my comfort.”

“When I’m happy, sad, bored, or whatever….I eat. I’ve gained 20 overall and can’t look in the mirror.”

“Your blog just breaks my heart. I can so relate.”

“I have been inspired by you and have lost 19 pounds.”

“I feel like you are writing to me when I read your blog”

You all think that I inspire you with my journey, but really, you inspire me.

The quotes I shared above are just a couple that I have received throughout the last couple months.

When I first started this journey, it was about ME, about me losing weight, me getting healthier, and me being happier.  At some point along the way, it no longer was just about me, it became about inspiring others.

If I had negative feelings about myself, felt defeated, couldn’t look in the mirror, hated photos being taken, ate my feelings away and just needed a change, I surely wasn’t alone.  I decided to share my story, to share my struggles and I hoped that I could inspire just one person who felt like me.

Mission: Accomplished, but something else happened along the way: you inspired me to keep going, to push harder, to not cheat when I am weak and to love myself through it all.

I met with my new Health and Wellness coach last night and after some initial calculations, I discovered that even after losing 40 lbs, my body is functioning as a 60 year old (based on BMI, body fat %, visceral fat, ect).  The Emily of several months ago, would have been defeated, thought that I was beyond help, and turned to food.  The Emily of NOW was inspired to keep changing, bettering myself, and living life to the fullest.

One of the biggest goals I was working towards was feeling more confident in a bathing suit.  I was recently on a trip to Florida to celebrate my future Sister-In-Law’s bachelorette party and I knew I would need to wear one, but I didn’t just want to wear one, I wanted to own it, no matter how much more weight I have to lose, I wanted to own myself. right now.  I worked hard for it, why not celebrate it? So, I did, I proudly celebrated my size 14 bathing suit and the hard work that I put in for it, because, I earned it.

I may not be to the “finish line”, but I am a heck of a lot closer than I was, and YOU, whether you know it or not, are helping my progress towards it.

but my booty jiggles

As you can imagine, at 227lbs, there were parts (or all) of my body that jiggled, bounced, shook, ect when I worked out.

It made me very self-conscious and honestly, made me not want to workout.  I had convinced myself that everyone. was. looking. at. me.

I tried to incorporate working out into my weight loss plan from the beginning of my journey because I knew that it would help me lose the weight faster, and make me stronger.  Physically, I could handle the workouts, but mentally, it was tough.

I had a membership at our local Planet Fitness.  The gym with no gymtimidation, no lunks, no judgement….except from myself.  I only used equipment that I knew how to use and very rarely branched out of anything by cardio exercise.

Here is a typical conversations that I would have with myself on the treadmill / elliptical / arc / ect:

“damnit, my shirt is sliding up from covering my butt”

“ugh, my boobs are bouncing“

“my butt hurts because it is jiggling up and down so much”

“that fit girl over there keeps looking at me”

“I could never do that because I am too fat“

“These 2 sports bras that I am wearing so my boobs stay put are not allowing me to breathe“

If you have been reading my other blog posts, you will know by now that the negative thoughts in my head have deterred and hindered me from being positive about my progress.  The negative thoughts in my head discouraged me from going to the gym because I honestly thought that everyone was making fun of me in their heads.

“Oh, look at the fat girl“

“She has a really red face, is she going to pass out?”

“Her butt is huge“

“Her boobs need to be tied down“

When I stopped going to the gym, I told myself that I would workout outside, but then I let myself believe that everyone driving down the road, passing me, was making fun of me too.  Then, I told myself that I would workout to DVD’s in my apartment, but, once again, the negative thoughts came back.  This time I thought that the young guy that lives downstairs would think that there was an elephant upstairs or that he would be scared I would come through the ceiling.  NO. JOKE.  I was horrible to myself.

I knew that I needed to workout, but, excuses were easier than actually doing the work.  The negative thoughts that I had been hiding behind, were just that, excuses.

I discovered that Old Navy has some compression workout pants that really suck the fat in and they didn’t allow my booty to jiggle so much.  I found some sports bras that allowed me to breathe, but still held the girls in place.

I. had. no. more. excuses.

When I let the excuses go, I also let the hold that the negative thoughts had over me, go.  Once I stopped telling myself lies and letting myself believe that everyone was making fun of me, the weight left too.

I started going back to the gym and simply not caring what others were thinking, because, I was there and I was doing it.

Everyone needs to start somewhere.

[this photo was taken a couple months ago, back to back 5k’s on the treadmill! practice makes progress]

bathing suit shopping

bathing suits.  ugh.

my opinion about them is the same as it was when I was 40lbs heavier: they. stress. me. out.

Let me rewind a bit.  As I have said before, I wasn’t always 227lbs.  There were times several years ago that I could wear a two-piece bathing suit and I felt very confident/comfortable doing so.  But, as the weight started increasing, I grew more and more terrified at the mere idea of going somewhere that included having to wear one.

I avoided going to the pool with friends

Made excuses that I “forgot” to bring my bathing suit

Tried to cover up as quick as possible after exiting the pool/lake if for some reason I actually swan

I am my own worst critic, my biggest judge and worst enemy.  I convinced myself that everyone at the pool/lake is staring right at me, analyzing, and making fun of me.

“Look at that girl with the cottage cheese thighs..”

“Whoa, she’s the biggest one here”

“Is that a ‘grandma’ one piece bathing suit?”

I would stand in my bathroom wearing my bathing suit and critique myself.  All the things I hated.  Wanted to change. Analyze every imperfection.  Count the stretch marks.

I know what I was doing to myself and how I was making myself feel, wasn’t healthy.   But, just about everything in my life wasn’t healthy…my relationship with food, my attitude, my self-esteem, my self worth, my weight, ect.

Fast forward to present time.  I am 40lbs lighter and my fear of bathing suits is still in the front of my mind.  I recently had to take my “Michigan Winter White” skin and ever changing body shopping to find a new bathing suit for an upcoming trip to Florida.

I was able to shop in the normal section of the store, no more plus size section, and I didn’t even have to get the biggest size on the rack.  I should have viewed those things as “non-scale” victories, because it was one of my goals to not immediately have to reach to the back/bottom of a rack to find the biggest size to buy.

Instead, I stood in front of the mirror, in a size large for the first time in years, and I the body I saw looking back at me was as though nothing had changed.  I still saw the size 18, plus size girl in the mirror.  I began critiquing my smaller and ever changing body harshly.  I internally put myself down and made myself feel like I still wasn’t small enough, or had made enough change to feel comfortable wearing a bathing suit.

you still have cottage cheese thighs…your thighs still rub together….your arms are flabby….

I had checked one of the items off of my “lose list” but yet, I immediately lost sight of the end goal because I allowed my head to derail the victory.  I still may be changing and yes, I still have a ways to go, but what I did that day in the Target dressing room, needs. to. stop.  I need to see myself for who I am, not constantly critique or put myself down.  The weight didn’t come on my body overnight, and it will not come off overnight.  I have to learn to celebrate all victories.

I will be in a bathing suit for 4 days in Florida next week and I. am. not. terrified.

That my friends is not a small victory, it is a monumental one.